I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
