I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
