life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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