She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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