at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
