it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
