It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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