Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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