I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
