So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
