we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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