Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
