all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
