Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
