A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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