I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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