I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
