Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
