I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
