Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
