Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
