she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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