I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
