I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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