i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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