Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
