dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
