woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
