someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
