Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
