If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
