there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
