I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
