Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
