Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
