Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
