I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
