Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
