Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just blew my weed a kiss
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
