Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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