hell yes lets make some ravioli
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
