I cannot find my penis.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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