If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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