My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
