I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think my tv is drunk
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
soo... how was my night?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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