So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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