I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
