When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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