Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
