pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
where am i from again
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
